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08-03-2011, 03:24 PM
:guy face (67): ** Funny Jokes ** :guy face (67):
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?i
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?i
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?i
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?i
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?i"
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?i
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?i
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?i
Son: No.
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?i
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?i
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?i"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?i"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!i"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!i"
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?i
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?i"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?i
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!i
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?i
Girl: Your feet.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?i
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?i
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?i
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? i
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?i
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?i
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
A: Why are all those people running?i
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?i
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?i
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?i
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?i
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?i
Student: Well...yes and no.
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?i"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
"I was born in California."
"Which part?i"
"All of me."
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?i
English Student: I like it very much.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Teacher: Why are you late?i
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?i
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?i
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?i
Little Johnny: But I asked first!i
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?i
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!i
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?i
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?i"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?i"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
A: Why are you crying?i
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?i
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
:smile (77)::smile (77)::smile (77)::smile (77):
if you do not find it funny
Would u please say cheese
before u leave
hhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hope u like it
:smile (96):
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?i
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?i
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?i
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?i
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?i"
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?i
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?i
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?i
Son: No.
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?i
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?i
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?i"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?i"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!i"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!i"
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?i
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?i"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?i
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!i
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?i
Girl: Your feet.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?i
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?i
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?i
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?i
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? i
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?i
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?i
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
A: Why are all those people running?i
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?i
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?i
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?i
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?i
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?i
Student: Well...yes and no.
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?i"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
"I was born in California."
"Which part?i"
"All of me."
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?i
English Student: I like it very much.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Teacher: Why are you late?i
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?i
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?i
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?i
Little Johnny: But I asked first!i
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?i
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!i
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?i
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?i"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?i"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
A: Why are you crying?i
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?i
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
:smile (77)::smile (77)::smile (77)::smile (77):
if you do not find it funny
Would u please say cheese
before u leave
hhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hope u like it
:smile (96):