Hi ,
I've read this article and I'd like to share it with you.
[align=left]Mommy, where's my Dad?" "Dad, where's my Mommy?" When a parent passes away, this can be the single most difficult question the remaining parent has to answer. In a typical black-and-white Egyptian movie, a glazed-eyed widow tells her son that his late father is ‘traveling.’ Later, the boy overhears the gardener telling the milkman that things aren’t the same after the master’s death. Devastated, the little boy runs away…
While real life may not be quite as melodramatic, it is still common to find people in our society shielding their children from death. But death happens all the time, and when the loss is of someone as important as a child’s father or mother, then perhaps we should consider what we’re going to tell our kids.
One heart-breaking story about the death of a parent involved a six-year-old child who lost his beloved father. Using the cue from the old movies, the mother told the boy that his father would be traveling ‘for a very long time.’ This seemed unbelievable to the child, who was very close to his father; he could not believe his father would just disappear without letting him know. His first thought was that he had done something wrong to warrant his father’s hasty departure. Then kids at school started telling him he was an orphan, and he chanced to overhear his mother talking to someone about her son’s ignorance of his father’s death. Stunned, but too terrified to approach his mother, the boy kept this shocking revelation inside him for six years, shouldering the pain alone, unable to tell his mother he knew the truth.
“Denying death is simply running away from a fact of life,” states Professor Tahira Hoke, community psychologist and psychology and communication course lecturer at Prince Sultan University Women’s College Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. "When you lie about death to a child to protect him, you are in fact robbing him of the right to grieve and come to terms with his loss," explains Hoke. Hoke says that families should take the time to understand death and accept it as an inevitable part of our existence before it actually happens. "Talk about death with your children before it confronts the family. It’s difficult to explain something to a child that you don’t yourself understand, and even more difficult to explain it when you are grieving," she further explains.
Breaking the News
When a parent dies, it is essential that a child be told as soon as possible and in the most basic of terms. Sara, whose husband passed away after a long illness, told her four year old son Haythem about his father’s death immediately. "I was especially glad that I'd been honest with him when my friend's son (who was five years old) came to visit the next day and announced to Haythem and the world, 'My dad says that your dad is dead.' I can't imagine what I would have done if he hadn't already known the truth."
When you break the sad news, bear in mind the child’s age. Children have very active imaginations, so there is no need to volunteer more information than the situation requires. "There is no harm in providing your child with information that conforms to your ideology, but do not overwhelm him with information that is not developmentally appropriate. Doing so may affect how he deals with death in the future," states Hoke. This means that while you should take time to answer a child’s questions, you should avoid morbid descriptions that may haunt him. One grown woman still flinches when she remembers her grandmother’s description of her grandfather’s death, with details of how he foamed and made a terrifying death rattle before his soul departed. The grandmother even volunteered an account of what happens to our bodies when they start decomposing. For a small child, you can talk about heaven, but there is no need to get into great details of the metaphysical. It’s enough for a child to be told that the person has ‘gone to God,’ and is comfortable and happy. Sara, believes the best you can offer your child is simplicity and honesty. She says, “I was as honest as I could be with Haythem about both issues, his father’s illness and then his father's death. He was only four, so I gave only an abbreviated explanation of the illness as it developed and when his father passed away, I told him simply that daddy had died, and a little bit about heaven. He didn't ask many questions when I told him, but every once in a while something would occur to him, and I'd explain in the best way I could.” She adds that the fact that he saw his father’s illness develop made him feel better when he was told that now that he had passed away, he was no longer sick.
Khaled Assem, whose wife Mona Adnan passed away in December 2004 after a battle with cancer, also states that he was honest yet simple with his daughters Haya, ten years old and Malak, six years old. He explains, "You can’t evade the truth. You can simplify things, but you should stick to the truth." Khaled adds that seeing their mother's health deteriorate prepared the girls, though he did not discuss death with them until it seemed imminent. According to him, "They saw her getting worse and worse every day. We only talked about her passing away in the last month. Telling them earlier would have created a situation of extreme uncertainty and insecurity too early on."
Babies and toddlers have short memory spans, and will not require an explanation of what has happened, but may still need comforting once they are aware that a parent is absent. "When a parent dies, preschoolers often show signs of distress or intense anxiety when separated from the surviving parent,” explains Hoke. Toddlers who lose their mothers often attach themselves to the most available adult once they sense their mother’s absence. One grandmother says that when her daughter passed away, the fifteen month old grandson first went about from room to room looking for his mother and crying. After a day or two, he put all his energy into following his grandmother everywhere, and crying if she went out of sight for a second. "I couldn’t even step into the bathroom without taking him along," recalls the grandmother.
Involving a Child
A school age child may handle the news of death differently. It is important to be alert to the feelings of an older child, especially in the first few days when the formalities of burial and condolences are under way. Many family members tend to want to exclude their children entirely from the whole experience of burial and initial mourning, but Hoke states that a child need not be excluded. In fact he advises that, "The child should be allowed to be involved as much as he wants to. However, it’s important to educate him about what is going to happen during the mourning rituals to decrease anxiety. Explain that people are going to be sad and crying, or may express themselves in other ways as they remember his deceased parent." However, Hoke does caution that some children might find this experience overwhelming.
"For some children, being involved in the mourning activities may be too terrifying. It is up to the surviving parent or caregiver to judge whether or not the child can handle the situation," adds Hoke.
Farida, whose husband and son’s stepfather died suddenly before the child’s eyes, decided that she could not let her son attend the burial preparations or funeral. "Yusuf was eight years old when Adel died of a massive heart attack. I felt that this was traumatic enough. I knew that my husband was gone, but Yusuf, I think, was hoping that he had just fainted. It was a very difficult moment, but I knew I had to keep myself together for my son. I sent Yusuf to sleep over at his best friend’s place, as I could not have him see the difficult first few hours and days. However, I didn’t exclude him entirely. I made a point of seeing him whenever I could, in between funeral arrangements and condolences. I told him that Adel was not coming back, that he was now with Allah. It was very hard on him because he adored his stepfather. After the mourning period was over, I took him to the cemetery where we read Quran together. It was a great comfort having Yusuf there, as the two of us could quietly, through prayer, share our sorrow over losing someone who had made our lives so very special for the few years we were all together," says Farida.[/center]
I do agree with you brother that we should keep the young children informed of such a significant event I even prefer to give the child a chance to see his deceased parent in order to believe that things are really over
But
It's all related to one issue which is whether the child is psychologically ready or not
One more time I'm thankful brother for enlightening us
عفوا ......!!
حتى صمت العالم تبدد .......!!
إلا صمتي في كل حين يتجدد .......!!
Enigma ,
You're most welcome. Thank you for your valuable comments . I like your participations because they add beauty to my and others' topics.
we must accept facts though they are hard
thanx my dear
بلسم جروح
Thank you for the participation. God bless you.
I really got nothing to add because the article covered everything,
Yet, It's still a hard question
Thanks dear brother for the marvelous thread
Please, keep up the best work
Meant to be ,
Your sweet words make me realize how lucky I am to have a brother like you. You're a gentle well-eduacted person that I'm really proud of being a brother of his. Thank you so much for your kind replies. God bless ya , brother.
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